


Small Horizons

by CaptainDegenerate



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (at least mostly?), Angst, Canon Compliant, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Respectful Gentleman Erwin Smith, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:48:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28822455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDegenerate/pseuds/CaptainDegenerate
Summary: You want him, but his dreams keep you up at night.He wants you, but his horizons are larger than yours.
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith/Reader
Comments: 187
Kudos: 566





	Small Horizons

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this work contains non-graphic references to sex work and abuse as well as explicit smut (non sex work related). Also warning for angst.

A suggestive touch. A fleeting attraction. A tailored truth. A coy smile.

The smoke is thick and seductive. You see men sitting on benches, laughing with the flush of alcohol on their cheeks, arms possessively looped around the shoulders and waists of your co-workers.

It’s not the busiest of nights, but you suppose you’ll make some good coin.

You look outside. The wind is picking up. It’s still summer but autumn is nearing.

It takes you a moment to notice him. The tall man with a hood, sitting in the corner with glass of mead.

You’ve worked here for over a decade. You recognise most customers.

Even though the capital is lively, there aren’t enough people in general to host a sea of strangers. Most people who come here once come again. They first try around a little but more often than not, they settle on a specific girl.

He, however, is alone. He isn’t even looking around.

How suspicious.

You gather the hems of your skirts. Your heels clank a little against the wooden floor as you walk to him.

Easily, you slip next to him on the bench. You lean in with a smile.

“New here, dear?”

He turns to you. You immediately notice he’s handsome. His fair hair is combed along his head, his blue eyes are clear and bold.

He’s wearing a military uniform. Survey Corps. That’s not unheard of. Plenty of soldiers avoid marrying to save their loved ones from the inevitable day they don’t return from a mission. Thus, they sometimes stray here for human touch.

You tilt your head and swipe a stray lock of your hair off your forehead. You instantly notice he doesn’t as much as glance at your generous V-neck.

Instead, he smiles a little.

“Was I that obvious?”

“I know the folks that usually come here. I don’t recall ever seeing you.”

You take his glass, gently allowing your fingers to brush over his. He notices but says nothing, he doesn’t as much as twitch.

“Want another drink, sugar?”

“If you’re not too busy. Though I must warn you, I’m not here to necessarily look for company.”

“I can leave you alone if you’re just here for ale,” you say as you turn to return to the counter. “But whether you want the services of my whole body or just an ear, I’m here.”

He thinks it over. You can almost see the way the wheels turn behind his calm eyes. Around you, you hear titters and laughter, intimate murmurs and hushed vulgarities being exchanged between the girls and the customers.

“Then,” he decides, “I guess an ear would do.”

You easily slide down on the chair next to his. He flags down a passing waitress.

“Whatever she wants,” he tells her and gestures towards you. You raise one of your neatly groomed eyebrows and chuckle.

“I’ll have a mead, then. Water it down,” you tell the waitress. She hurries off, leaving you and the man alone.

“So, any name I could call you by?” you ask. You look relaxed but you haven’t dropped your guard completely. He’s new. You need to gauge what he’s after.

True, some men come here just to have someone to talk to, but some use that as a front to wiggle their way alone with a girl and then hurt them.

You need to figure out which one he is.

You’re handed your drink, watered down to avoid intoxication. He looks into his glass and sighs.

“I suppose it couldn’t hurt. It’s Erwin.”

Immediately, your eyebrows shoot up your forehead.

“The Erwin?” you ask. “The Erwin Smith?”

“The very same.”

“I assume a place like this is way below your pay grade, Erwin,” you point out curiously. He shrugs.

“I happened to walk by and was curious to see it for myself. I’ve never visited an establishment like this.”

“A brothel. You can say it,” you say, a little amused. “So, I take it you have no interest in any of my girls?”

“It’s not that I don’t find these women attractive.”

He doesn’t elaborate any further. You hum.

“Well, so long as you don’t carry any juvenile fantasies of finding a girl you like and then rescuing her from the horrors of her occupation,” you point out. It happens at times.

At that, he chuckles.

“I’m aware that this is not a romance novel.” He takes another sip of his mead and looks at you curiously.

“I would like to have a name of some kind, though.”

“They call me Lily,” you respond. It’s not your real name, but that’ll do.

“Alright. Lily.”

“So, Erwin,” you say and lean in just a little. Your eyes are twinkling, well-meaning but a little puzzled. What would a commanding officer like Erwin Smith be seeking from a place like this?

“What would you like to talk about?”

Erwin pauses to think. He’s not taken aback but it seems like he hasn’t figured it out himself. What caused him to pick this rowdy brothel of all places?

“I don’t know. I didn’t think that far.”

You cross your legs and adjust the hem of your dress. Your heeled foot brushes over his calf gently under the table.

If he notices, he doesn’t do anything about it.

“Well, how’s life at the Survey Corps?” you ask. You hear some strides have been made lately, though the details escape you.

Such things hardly matter to people like you who live so deep inside the walls.

“I would say it’s pleasant but I would be lying,” Erwin replies.

“Venturing out just to get eaten does not seem pleasant,” you concur with a shrug. He smiles bitterly at himself.

“Indeed.”

“So, what is it like out there anyway?”

“There’s trees, rivers, hills and meadows,” he lists.

“And also human-eating monsters.”

“And also human-eating monsters,” he nods. You shudder. Your occupation is far from fun and glamorous, but you would not switch places with him.

“It sounds rather ordinary. Why the drive to conquer land that holds nothing new?” you ask innocently.

At that, he looks taken aback. He gives you a slow, puzzled blink and then brings his glass back to his lips.

“I think there’s intrinsic value to freedom,” he says. You hum.

“Is that freedom?” you press just a bit. Erwin doesn’t seem to like the kind to lose his temper over being questioned.

“What do you mean?”

“If this brothel stood outside Wall Maria instead of here, would my girls be free then?”

For most of you, you’re here because there was no choice. Or the choices were this or joining the military. Some do it by choice, but those are in the minority.

“I’ve been here for well over a decade, Erwin. My idea of freedom is different from yours.”

At that, he looks thoughtful.

“Then what is your idea of freedom?” he asks.

“Having a quiet place just for myself,” you answer immediately. “With soft linen. Eating apple pie every day. Working at a restaurant where I can bake.”

A small smile rises to your cheeks as you speak.

“Bake? You enjoy baking?”

“I do, but I’m not usually allowed in the kitchen. Not that I could afford sugar and apples most of the time anyway.” You shrug non-committally.

“Apple pie,” Erwin repeats thoughtfully. Then, he chuckles and finishes his mead.

“I see. Seems like I don’t understand the desires of others as much as I thought,” he muses to himself. He then gets up and pulls the hood over his head.

“I believe I’ve kept you long enough. I should get going.”

“Will you be back?” you ask.

“I don’t know,” he says. He offers you a conservative smile and tosses a few coins on the table. Then, he strides off without a look back.

You follow him with your eyes until the door slams shut after him.

Picking up the coins, you hum thoughtfully.

What an eccentric person.

-

As days turn into months, you slowly forget Erwin ever even visited. Instead, you’re busy with working and living your everyday life.

Unlike for him, for you days just repeat on endless loops with nothing really changing. New faces, new clients, a fight or trouble with payments here and there, but for the most part life never changes.

You’ve all but forgotten he even existed until you meet him again.

That morning, you wake up and pull on your simple dress. You don’t bother with the more elaborate clothes until evening. Walking around in it would just attract unwanted attention.

You walk out of your little room, downstairs to the saloon. In the back, Ulrike is the only one awake.

“Going to the marketplace?”

You nod.

“Be a darling and bring me a baguette,” she says and digs into her pocket to hand you a few coins. You take them and only get a drink of water before going outside.

It’s a summer day, a beautiful one at that. The sun is out and the streets are busy with people.

You merge into the flow of passers-by and start walking to the marketplace. You have a long list of things to buy. You’d like to try and bake a tart before the brothel opens for the night.

You’ve been saving up. You buy some eggs, flour and sugar. You buy some fresh berries and yeast. You buy a big box of apples for all your girls.

By the time you get to the baguette stand, your hands are full. You somehow manage to pay for the baguette and the kind shopkeeper hands you the bread.

You hook it under your elbow and start walking back, a basket hanging from one arm and the large box of apples blocking your vision.

You curse a bit as you waddle.

“Need help?”

You stop and frown at the vaguely familiar voice. As you turn your head, it takes you a moment to recognize Erwin.

“...oh,” you finally say. “Erwin.”

“Would you like some help carrying these back?” he asks. You measure him up for a moment, trying to determine if he’s after something, but eventually hand him the box of apples.

“Thank you.”

He easily uses one arm to carry the box. He doesn’t ask you to hand everything over, which you appreciate. It makes him seem less condescending.

“It’s been a while,” you start after a moment of silence. “Do you not get many leaves from the military? Ah, not that I expect you to come visit our venue during your vacation,” you hurry to add. He chuckles.

“I’m afraid it’s not my kind of place,” he admits. “I came because I was curious and your company was lovely, but it’s not the kind of place I would visit of my own volition more than once.”

You nod. You understand.

“Survey Corps seem to come around pretty often. I guess they get lonely,” you muse.

“I suppose.” Erwin looks into your basket curiously. “About to bake something?”

“A tart,” you hum. “It’s Nora’s name day.”

“That’s as good an excuse as any,” Erwin smiles knowingly. You glance at him and smile a little.

“Was it that obvious that I was just aching to bake?”

“Your eyes are much more lively than when you talked to me the other night.”

He treads very carefully. He knows, he must know, that very few of the girls at the brothel would be there if they had another choice.

“Yes. I was… Enjoying your company, but I’m afraid I can never really relax while I’m there. Aside from the kitchen, that is. When I’m behind the stove, nothing can hold me back,” you chuckle, and for a moment your eyes shine gently.

He’s visibly intrigued by the sight. He catches onto the sad edge.

“Why is it bittersweet?” he asks. You let out a short laugh. You really can’t escape his hawk eyes, can you?

“As I said, sugar and fruit are expensive. This is my month’s excess’ worth of ingredients,” you admit and gesture towards the meagre ingredients.

He pauses.

“Oh. That’s quite sad.”

“It is as it is,” you shrug. You try not to wallow in things you can’t change.

“So you can’t bake more often than once a month?” Erwin asks with a frown. You immediately read the expression.

“Don’t,” you sigh and shake your head.

“Don’t what, Lily?”

“Even think about giving me money. I don’t need your pity.”

“It would hardly be pity. I don’t pity people.”

“Then what?” you ask as you stop in front of the brothel. Around you, people pass by without minding the two of you. The brothel is quiet and most of the windows are dark.

Most of the girls sleep late.

“I like the expression you have on your face now, rather than the one you had when I last visited,” he says, opting for honesty.

“That’s all?”

“Protecting the smile of a beautiful woman is hardly the craziest thing a man has used his money on,” Erwin points out with a small smile.

You’re wary.

“Kindness always comes with strings attached in these parts, Erwin,” you say and reach to take the groceries from him. “I can’t trust goodwill.”

Erwin nods. He doesn’t look upset.

“I understand. Your circumstances are your own.” He opens the door for you so you can stumble in. He makes no move to come in after you or touch you. “Have a lovely day, Lily.”

You walk inside and topple the groceries on the kitchen table. You’re uncharacteristically spaced out as you peel the apples and this time marks the only time in three years you almost burn the tart.

-

As the warm and peachy summer turns to a cold and hostile autumn, Erwin takes longer than last time to completely leave your mind.

Yet he does, eventually.

The Survey Corps visit rather regularly. You can be glad for the patronage, even if their constant fear of death makes them prone to emotional outbursts when they’re at their most vulnerable.

Some bring trouble with them, but that’s hardly new. What you lack in individual strength, you make up for in raw numbers.

You look out for each other.

It’s near frostfall when Erwin next makes an appearance in your life. And this time, he seeks you out specifically.

You wake up one morning, huddled in your blankets. Outside, the morning dew frosts over just slightly and the magpies are croaking.

One of the girls comes to you and knocks on your door. She tells you there’s a soldier outside who’s requested to talk to you.

At first, you have no idea who it is. You surmise it’ll be a customer you have to politely reject. You hope he’s not one of those who get violent and angry.

But as you step outside and see Erwin, you pause.

He’s in his military gear. You don’t recall ever seeing him out of it. Standing in front of the brothel with bold confidence, seemingly unconcerned with how that will make him appear, he meets your eyes calmly as you walk out, a coat haphazardly pulled over your shoulders.

“Lily. Good morning. I apologise for dragging you out of bed this early. It’s just that I have to be going in a few hours. I’d like to talk to you.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

You frown slightly, but the look on his face intrigues you. You hold up a finger and go back inside. A couple of minutes later, you come out. Properly clothed, your coat wrapped around your body and a scarf wrapped around your marked neck, you pause to look at him.

“Shall we go for a walk, then?”

“Please.”

You struggle a little to keep up with his trained, large strides, and when he notices, he slows down to match your pace.

“Winter,” he sighs. “Beautiful yet so deadly. A cruel mistress indeed.”

“I didn’t take you for a poet,” you say, but you’re smiling a little. You feel relaxed. Erwin has not given you any reason to fear him.

“I’d hardly call my idle ramblings poetry,” he says. You walk through the streets together. Your breaths puff up into clouds from the cold and in the early morning, only few people are out.

“Any special place you’d like to go?” you ask. He thinks it over. Then, he nods.

“Now that you mention it. There’s a sight I’d like your opinion on.”

“A sight?”

“Yes. Something you said has been bothering me for quite some months. I was upset I didn’t bring it up last time we met and after that, I couldn’t shrug it. Eventually, I had to seek you out.”

You raise a slow eyebrow.

“So long as you’re not trying to woo me,” you give him a fair warning. Erwin chuckles a little.

“I wouldn’t dare. Surely, a woman like you has standards far higher than what I can meet.”

It’s a lot coming from the Commander of the Survey Corps. He’s not bad on the eyes either. He has no reason to talk down at himself like this.

Nonetheless, you play along.

“Yes. I’ll have you know, my standards are sky-high.”

“As they should,” Erwin nods, and you don’t sense any ridicule from his voice. He walks you to the wall and as he escorts you to one of the lifts, you immediately hesitate.

“You want to go… Up there?”

“You’ve never been, right?” He smiles at you. You shake your head. Of course not. Only the military is allowed there.

“I’d like to show you what’s beyond. If you want to see it, that is.”

You think only for a moment. Then, you climb on the lift. The soldier manning it only gives you one, curious glance before fixing his eyes forward.

The ride takes a little less than a minute. As you arrive at the top, you’re more than a little scared. You’ve never been this high up.

Despite that, you step on the cool stone with full determination. Erwin follows.

“I have my gear. If you fall, I’ll be able to catch you,” he attempts to set you at ease.

“I won’t fall,” you say with as much conviction as you can muster, and whatever hesitation Erwin detects in your tone, he courteously ignores.

“Understood.”

You walk along the wall. It’s still a little dim, the sun hasn’t fully risen, and when Erwin arrives at the spot he wants to show you, he stops.

“I’d like you to look out there,” he says and points to the distance, exactly at the point where the sun is slowly creeping over the horizon.

Normally, you only see the sun once it’s far over the walls in its full form.

This, you’ve never witnessed. Your eyes widen as the first sparks glisten over where land meets the sky. You watch in quiet awe as the rays stretch, racing over the awakening land, melting the little droplets of water frozen on the blades of grass.

It’s beautiful.

“Do you like it?”

He’s closer than you realised and at his words, you flinch and jolt. For a precious moment, you’re afraid you’ll slip off the wall even though you’re a good distance from the edge.

Erwin gently grasps your waist to keep you on your feet. The moment you’re stable again, he lets go.

“I do,” you admit and glance at him nervously. Is he after something?

His eyes are fixed on the sunrise and he shows no interest in touching you further, so you dare relax and turn back to the horizon.

It is a beautiful sight.

“You wanted me to see this? Why?” you finally ask. He chuckles and the low baritone makes your spine tingle just a bit. He has a nice voice.

“What do you think of when you see this, Lily?”

“That it’s beautiful. That I like the thought of there being another day, no matter what. That I wish it’ll be spring again soon,” you list, seeing no reason to hide anything from Erwin.

He turns to you, quire taken aback. He blinks.

“That’s all?”

You look confused then.

“Yes. Were you expecting something more?”

Erwin looks thoughtful then. He rubs his sturdy chin as he ponders. You look into the clear blue and there’s something very boyish to him, even when he’s obviously a man in his prime. Even if his eyes speak of a lifetime of scars and horrors. Despite that, he’s still holding onto something.

“When I see this sight, all I can think of is freedom. How riding out there to wherever the sun comes from is the noblest cause a human being can have.”

You hum. “I see.” It makes sense that he would think that, given his occupation.

“But you don’t think so. Why?”

“Because I don’t want to ride to the sunrise. Doing so wouldn’t be freedom to me.”

“Then what is?” he asks with a well-meaning frown. He wants to understand.

“Sleeping in a nice bed. Sleeping in. Baking as much as I want. Not having to…” you trail off and shake your head. Nevermind.

“But those are such mundane things, Lily,” Erwin points out calmly. “Why do you aspire for something so ordinary?”

“I’m an ordinary woman, Erwin,” you tell him. “And a lot of things you deem mundane are unattainable luxuries to someone like me.”

His eyes shift from quiet puzzlement to compassion.

“You know,” he starts slowly. “I have a terrible sweet tooth. Every Sunday, I crave for something sweet. I’d be willing to pay for the expenses and a little extra if someone were to deliver me a baked good every Sunday at midday.”

His eyes immediately soften when he sees the way yours start sparkling in the shy sunlight. And as much as you were always taught to always be on the lookout for men just like Erwin, men who are kind and seem compassionate, for they can hold it over your head, you can’t bring yourself to turn him down.

“Alright,” you whisper. In the sprinkles of sunlight, you find yourself falling.

-

The next Sunday, you wake up to a couple of your co-workers barging into your room. They look at you with wide eyes.

“Who’s the sugar daddy?” Nora, one of the newest co-workers, asks. You sit up, yawning, and rub your eyes.

“What are you talking about?”

“Some soldiers just came in.”

“Soldiers?”

With a frown, you pull on a cardigan and slip on your shoes. What on earth could soldiers be doing here? Is the Military Police going to harass you under false pretences again?

You’re led to the cramped kitchen. Almost empty when you fell asleep, it’s now stacked with flour, butter, eggs and various dried fruit. The soldiers are from Survey Corps, and they’re carrying in boxes full of sugar.

“Get it? Sugar daddy,” Nora grins. You groan and roll your eyes.

“Ma’am,” one of the soldiers salutes you and hands you a letter. “We were told to deliver these. If you’d excuse me.”

They look around, clearly uncomfortable, though a couple of them also look like they’re trying their hardest to appear like they’re here for the first time.

They leave, and you’re left with a small warehouse’s worth of baking goods and a letter.

You rip it open.

_Lily,_

_Maybe these will get you started. I’d like you to deliver the goods every Sunday by midday. If you run out of anything, just let me know. My soldiers will let you through if you show them the attached permission slip. Just don’t lose it._

With the letter comes a small parchment. Official-looking, it bears Erwin’s signature.

You ignore the curious eyes of your co-workers, refuse to acknowledge the side of you that’s sincerely happy to bring Erwin his cake.

You roll up your sleeves, wash your hands and with a faint smile and sparkling eyes, you get to work.

An hour later, you’re walking across the city with a basket. Underneath a cloth, a mouth-watering scent whisks in the air and the hot steam coming from the basket alone is enough to make some people stop and watch.

You’re smiling ear to ear. Somehow, you’ve been much happier today even though the weather has been cold and the customers have been especially rowdy this week.

Despite that, today you’ve felt happy. Hopeful almost.

The base is small and unassuming. The survey corps rarely stay in one place for long, always coming and going, whether it’s operations, expeditions or splitting up to missions. As such, their actual headquarters are on the smaller side.

You’re allowed in as you show the parchment to the people guarding. You’re instructed to go to the top floor and pick the door at the end of the hallway.

There’s soldiers walking around and idling as you walk past. Some stop to give you a brief glance, but not many seem to care all that much.

As you knock, a voice from inside immediately tells you to enter. Without thinking, you stop for a brief moment to swipe a lock of hair off your forehead.

Then, you open the door.

Erwin’s office is smaller than you expected. With a simple bed, an almost empty desk and a single window, it could be anyone’s room.

He’s sitting on the windowsill, looking out to the city. First snow came just yesterday. As you step in, his thoughtful eyes turn to you and his handsome lips turn up to a smile.

“Ah,” he nods. “I was waiting for you.”

You smile a little and place the basket on his desk. You curtsey. He laughs.

“There’s no need to treat me like a stranger.”

He walks up to the desk and peeks into the basket.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s in this?”

“Oh, it’s a date pie,“ you explain and hurry to take the small dish out of the basket. You place it on the desk and pull the cloth off.

“It has a simple pie crust, some syrup-glazed dates. I got a little experimental and made some meringue as garnishes, I-” you cut off your excited rambling and wince.

“Sorry. I’m sure you’re not interested in the nitty-gritty,” you say. Immediately, Erwin shakes his head and sits down on the bed.

“Please, I have nothing but time. Tell me all about this pie.”

You try to decipher if he’s making fun of you, but he seems exceptionally sincere. Thus, you walk to the windowsill, hop to sit down on it and start explaining everything. How you got the idea for it, how you decided to add just a pinch more salt than usual to the crust, how you almost burned the glaze for your dates…

All the while, Erwin listens without stopping you once.

As the smile on your face turns wider and wider, the gentle gleam in his eyes turns softer and softer.

From then on, you never miss a Sunday.

-

You hope he doesn’t address it.

You knock on the door as usual, he asks you to enter as usual. In the basket, you have a tray full of almond cookies.

You walk in, as nonchalant as possible, and place the tray on the desk.

He’s sitting at his desk but as he looks up and sees you, he immediately gets on his feet. His eyes shift from gentle and content to worried and a little pained.

“What happened?” he asks, going straight to business. You wince and chuckle.

“Really, don’t worry about it. These things happen sometimes.”

The butterflies are unleashed in your stomach as he reaches a hand. His palm is a little rough and dry from a lifetime of clutching the handle of a blade, but it's nonetheless very gentle as he brushes your hair out of the way.

You know it doesn’t look pretty. The bruise is large, covering the mound of your cheekbone, up to the corner of your eye.

You twitch and hiss a little as he touches it very delicately.

“Do you feel any pain in your head? Dizziness? Double vision?” he asks. You smile a little, touched by his concern.

“Really, Erwin, I’m fine. This was a couple of days ago.”

“Does this kind of thing happen often?”

“Not as often as you’d think,” you shrug. “We’re all armed and we have strength in numbers, so if we hear someone scream everyone else just drops whatever they’re doing and rushes in to help. The poor bastard who did this left with at least a few broken bones.”

“Good.” Erwin looks unnervingly sadistic for a second. Then, he turns concerned again. He gently guides you to sit down on the bed and seats himself next to you.

“It’s good you’re looking out for each other,” he says, and he lets his hand rest on your shoulder. You don’t shrug it off.

“Yeah.”

“What about the Military Police?”

“They come… Eventually. …Sometimes,” you add with a roll of your eyes. You’re not at the top of their priority list.

Erwin’s thoughtful and gentle as he moves his hand, very slowly. He rubs your arm and then pulls away, knowing the boundaries.

“If you need help, you know you can just ask me, correct?” he offers. Immediately, you shake your head.

“It’s not your job to save me, Erwin. I don’t want that.”

He nods. He looks a little sad, but he understands. He respects your agency.

“I’m not going to push unwanted chivalry your way, but know that if you ever need help, you’ll find it here. No matter what.”

“No matter what?” you ask and grin a little. “What if I kill someone and come to you asking for help to avoid liability?”

“I can talk to Nile Dok,” he says easily.

“I was joking. I wouldn’t do that. Come to you, I mean. Killing some poor bastard is another matter entirely.”

He nods with a serious face, and you’re not sure he got the joke.

“Besides, you’re already helping,” you tell him with a shrug. You swing your legs a little where you’re sitting. Then, you fall back with a carefree thud.

He looks at you curiously.

“The money you give me for baking, I’ve been saving it up. Eventually, I’ll be able to afford a small house with a kitchen. Then, I’ll start my own baking company.”

“Sounds lovely.”

“And by the looks of it, soldiers tend to like baked goods. Do you think putting it somewhere near the base would be a good idea?”

“I know I’ll visit daily for a fresh bun of bread for breakfast,” he promises. You smile, eyes sunny and full of excitement.

He turns a little thoughtful again. When you tug at his sleeve, he doesn’t fight. He falls back as well, next to you.

For a moment, you just stare at the unassuming wood ceiling.

“Could you ever be happy inside the walls, Erwin?” you ask after a moment. You feel a bit flushed, you know your motivation for saying this.

You’re falling. How could you not? And you want to know what Erwin wants from the future. He wants freedom, but what then?

He senses it too. He pauses and thinks about it.

“My life is dedicated to finding out the truth. I want to know what’s out there. I want to know why all this happened. After that…”

He trails off.

“With the right person, I could be happy,“ he finishes in a roundabout way. You let your pinky brush against his just lightly.

He takes it with his and squeezes.

“Would you like to hear about the cookies I brought you?”

“I’d like nothing more,” Erwin solemnly swears, and you laugh.

“You old charmer.”

“Is it working?”

“That’s a secret,” you grin. All the while, you never let go of his pinky.

-

After you returned to Wall Rose, you heard the rumours rather swiftly. Erwin was hurt in the subsequent operation following the breach of Wall Rose, and while you wanted to go see him the moment you could, you didn’t have the confidence to.

Thus, you wait until Sunday.

It all went down rather peacefully for you. You don’t know much of what happened. You were just evacuated one day and a little later, you were sent back.

Apparently, the danger is over and the Survey Corps went away on a mission. And upon return, Erwin was injured.

You make sure the cake is extra nice. The cranberries could be fresher, but the situation is what it is. It’s still rather chilly and there was never many berries to begin with.

Nonetheless, you’re proud of your cake.

“He should be awake but if he’s not, just leave quietly,” the soldier manning the base says. You nod.

As you arrive at Erwin’s room, you knock. There’s no reply. You crack the door open and when you locate Erwin, peacefully dozing off on the bed, you move quietly.

You don’t intend to stay for long, just to put the cake down on the desk and then be on your way. But then, he shifts just enough for his blanket to slip down a little.

You see the stub of his arm and gasp.

You stare for a moment and then, you slowly creep closer. Your eyes fill with quiet sorrow for him. It would be a tragedy for anyone but for a soldier, it’s an enormous price.

He looks peaceful despite the sweat of pain on his face. Quietly, you reach for your pocket and take out a napkin.

You wipe some sweat off, and the sensation wakes him up. Immediately, you draw your hand back.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb your sleep,” you say with an apologetic wince. His eyes only take a second to focus and gather his surroundings.

He smiles at you and shakes his head.

“You could never disturb me,” he says. You smile a little at his words and resume working. You wipe the sweat off gently.

“What happened?” you ask as you finally set the napkin down. Erwin glances at his arm and sighs.

“A titan bite.”

“I wouldn’t call that a bite,” you point out. He chuckles and uses his remaining arm to pull himself to a sitting position. You watch him.

“You’ll be out of commission for a while, right?”

“Hardly,” Erwin says. “I’ll resume as soon as possible.”

At his words, you feel a sudden punch of fear. Erwin’s now at a severe disadvantage on the field. Furthermore, his missing arm works as a reminder.

When you live your whole live inside the walls, the dangers out there never feel quite as real. And now, you become acutely aware of just how dangerous it is for Erwin to be the Commander of the Survey Corps.

Your pain must be fully visible on your face, because Erwin reaches his hand towards you. Then, he pauses.

“May I?” he asks. You nod.

He cups your cheek and rubs his thumb over your cheek bone once. Then, he suddenly manoeuvres. His head places on your lap and he closes his eyes.

You watch him for a precious moment. Then, you allow your hand to slip into his hair. You’re gentle and your heart is quietly leaping in your chest. Despite that, you’re suddenly afraid.

You’re afraid Erwin will be taken from you prematurely.

Yet you don’t say it out loud. You pet his head, fingers trailing over his prominent jaw, his cheeks, into his freshly washed hair.

“I wonder why,” he muses after a moment, eyes still closed and a faint smile on his face.

“Why what?”

“Of all the days, I can only relax on Sundays.”

You’re way past your maiden days. Words like these really shouldn’t faze you, yet you immediately feel hotter. You suddenly wonder what Erwin would do if you kissed him.

It’s the fear keeping you at bay. The fear of loving this man and it not turning out alright.

So, you merely slip your hand in his hair and start shifting through it.

“You smell nice,” he murmurs. You pause and then resume petting without a word.

“Sorry,” he says after a while. “Was that too forward of me?”

“It’s not that,” you say quietly. “It’s just that I’m suddenly afraid.”

“Afraid of what, Lily?”

You watch his calm, closed eyes and think about it. Do you want to tell it all to him and entrust him with your most private feelings?

“I’m falling in love with you, Erwin,” you then confess.

“Likewise,” Erwin answers with no pause whatsoever. If anything, he sounds like that should be obvious to all involved.

“But seeing you lose your arm has shaken me. I’m afraid you’ll die out there.”

“There’s always a risk of that happening,” Erwin admits and opens his eyes. He doesn’t seem too bothered by the thought. He looks up.

Somehow, you expected him to downplay it. Tell you that you can fall in love with him without any fear of bad things happening. Only, he doesn’t.

“Lily, this is up to you. If you want me, I’ll be yours. I have a house you can move to, you can use my savings to set up your store.”

You take the offer and store it somewhere to the back of your head, not sure what you’ll do about it yet.

You just nod and resume stroking his hair.

He turns around. His nose buries into your stomach. He takes a couple of deep breaths. Then, he’s asleep.

-

The long winter slowly turns into spring. Every Sunday, you visit Erwin. Sometimes, he’s not there but busy with work. Nonetheless, you never miss a week.

It’s important to you. Even if you can’t answer his offer yet. It’s still there, stored to the back of your mind and you’re immensely glad Erwin has the courtesy to not bring it up again.

He knows you’ll respond when you’re ready.

When you see him, you always talk for hours about unimportant things. You describe your baking, your everyday life, what your girls have been up to. All the while, Erwin listens.

Always, he listens, and at first you were worried he’d get bored or that you were getting rude. In time, however, you learnt to trust the intrigued, gentle gleam in his eyes telling you he wants to hear all this.

He wants to know what your everyday life consists of because it’s so far removed from his.

The spring changes to summer. One gorgeous Sunday, Erwin is once again busy. You leave the yam pie on the desk, swallowing the little sting of disappointment at not being able to see him.

You drop by the brothel before opting for a walk. The small forest next to the town is ripe with fragrant flowers this time of year.

The fields are green and luscious, the birds are chirping around you and you can’t help the smile as you walk to a small meadow from between the sparse trees.

Nature is few and far between this far into the walls, especially near the cities. This small forest is all you have.

Luckily, it’s not too crowded.

You find a particularly soft-looking spot in the tall grass and lay down. Looking up to the cloudy blue sky, you feel yourself set at ease.

You’re getting there, in terms of money. You can almost afford to rent a small shop. You’ve already decided that the moment you can leave, you will.

As for Erwin’s offer…

You sigh and close your eyes. You’d love to, but it’s not that easy. There’s always the fear he won’t return one day. Not to mention, being provided for by him while you get your business underway is also making you uncomfortable.

You decided long ago, you will not be the target of anyone’s saviour fantasy.

Then again, Erwin is different. He was always different, from the very start. And were you to have a man by your side, it would be him. Of that, there was never a doubt in your mind.

You’re aware of his reputation. The image he carries, of a man who’s capable of anything to attain his goals. That he can and has sacrificed entire brigades without a second thought.

Without a doubt, if he was ever forced to choose between saving you or humanity, he’d pick the latter. But you knew that before you even met him the first time.

And you know that even if that would be his choice, he still values your life and thinks the world of you. You do of him, too.

The day turns into evening as you lay there in the grass, looking at the sky, dreaming your time away.

You were just about to nod off when someone stops by you and sits down. You look up and when you see Erwin, you blink.

You left a small note with the basket telling him where you’d be, just in case he wanted to come see you, but you didn’t think he’d bother to come this late.

He’s in his military gear, as always. You rarely see him in his leisure clothes.

You smile and look at the sky again. He lays down next to you.

“Who knew the ruthless Commander Erwin was fond of something as childish as stargazing,” you hum. He doesn’t reply.

Instead, he turns thoughtful again. You’re used to him when he’s like this, and you know to anticipate a question.

“What do you think is up there?” he finally asks, and he sounds intrigued. “Beyond the stars. Do you think there’s worlds like ours?”

“If there are, I sure as hell hope they’re doing better than we are,” you shrug. You extend a hand above and look at how small it looks against the dark sky.

“The stars always fascinated me,” Erwin says. You hum non-committally.

“Why?”

“Because it was yet another mystery I could probably never conquer.”

“You and your conquering,” you chuckle. “Is that how you think of the world?”

“Not everything.”

You grow thoughtful. You look at the darkening sky. It’s almost night.

“Do you want to conquer me?”

“That’s not how I’d put it. You’re a human person.”

At that, you smile. Slowly, you roll over to your side and move to straddle Erwin where he’s lying. He looks up at you, calm and collected, but in the evening light, you can see the way his eyes twinkle.

He wants you.

And before thinking it fully through, you decide to give in. You lean down. You feel his hand cup your cheek as you kiss him.

He responds immediately. He tilts his head, gently guides you with his hand as your lips come together, silky sweet and buttery soft.

It’s the kind of kiss that makes your body tingle. You’re trembling a little bit as you pull back. Your eyes are sparkling with quiet fondness.

“What now?” you ask, voice a little uncertain. You kissed. Where do you go from here?

“What do you want?” he asks, his voice low and a little raspy. He’s calm but clearly longing. His hand never moves from your cheek.

You pause to think. Do you really want to give in to your desire now? There’s a lot at stake and you haven’t made up your mind yet.

Yet still...

“I… I’d like you to take me back to your quarters,” you finally say. He nods. He gets on his feet and starts guiding you out of the forest.

You watch his sturdy back, wondering if you’re making a mistake, but when he looks over his shoulder to determine how you’re feeling, all you do is give him a mischievous smile.

You want this. You can think of the rest tomorrow.

So, you pull him to a halt but only for a second, enough to press your back against a tree, reel him in and kiss him. You moan at the way he pins you down, strong arm caging you in place.

You hold onto his jaw, let him take your mouth and all the while, your other hand wanders with no reservations. You trek down his firm chest, down to his bulging abs and just as you’re about to cup his tenting pants, he pulls away.

“Save that for later,” he breathes into your ear, and the husky tone of his voice makes you tremble with excitement. You want to be filled by this man.

For months, it’s been that way. Letting go came easier than you thought, but now that you’ve initiated it, you don’t want to back out.

He takes your hand and gently guides you back. Your anticipation grows with each second, and when you finally walk through the doors to his quarters, you’re about ready to jump him.

Only, he does it first. The door slams behind you and before you can even start to think of how to tackle Erwin to the bed, he has pushed you on his desk.

His mouth is impatient and he’s a little breathless as he kisses you. You wrap both arms around his neck and easily open your legs, looping them around his back.

You feel the bulge of his cock press against your hip.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” he asks against your lips. You shake your head immediately.

“No, Erwin, you could never,” you whisper. “I want you. Let me have you.”

At that, Erwin lets out a loud groan. Without a word, he drops to his knees before you. His impatient hand pushes up your legs, under the skirts of your dress.

He practically rips your panties off as soon as he can hook his finger underneath them. Your breath stuck in your throat, you raise your hips to make it easier for him.

He gives you one, smouldering look and disappears under the hem of your dress. You feel his breath hit your crotch.

He inhales once and when he smells the way you’re aroused and wet for him, he lets go and buries his face in your sex.

You throw your head back and moan, hands holding onto the edge of the desk to keep yourself upright.

All the while, he laps his tongue around your clit, questing and hungry. You hear the way he grunts and moans at the taste, feel the way the tip circles around your clit every time he moves his tongue over it.

Your legs start shaking, your toes curl and before you know what you’re doing, you’ve hooked both knees around Erwin’s shoulders, pressing him hard between your thighs to keep him right there as he eats you out.

He has no protests. In fact, at the gesture you see his hand reach down to undo his pants and take out his impressively sized cock. It’s rock hard and he starts stroking it in rhythm with his tongue.

“Shit, Erwin,” you whisper frantically. “Erwin, Erwin, keep going, I’m so close, don’t you dare stop-!”

It’s as far as you can go before you come. You let out a strangled cry and in an attempt of prolonging your orgasm, you tighten your legs around Erwin’s head and practically rub yourself all over his face.

He keeps going, diligent and enthusiastic, and only when your hips stop rolling and your legs slowly unwrap from his shoulders does he get up.

He wipes his mouth to the back of his hand and moves up to kiss you.

You’re a little boneless but you kiss him back with conviction, arms pulling him closer as you moan, satiated.

“Sorry. I got bossy,” you whisper. He chuckles, his arm locking around your waist.

“There are few things I like more than drowning in the thighs of a beautiful woman,” he says. You pull yourself off the desk, arms and legs wrapped tightly around Erwin.

“Take me to bed.”

He easily supports you with one arm and as soon as your back hits the mattress, you roll you over so that you’re straddling Erwin instead.

You grab your dress and practically yank it over your head, baring your body. You slip off your undershirt and grab his hand, pressing it against one of your breasts.

All the while, you rub your bare crotch against his exposed hard-on, nesting it between your folds but not letting it enter yet.

His eyes are lidded and his mouth is ajar. Completely mesmerised, he makes no move to gain control. Instead, he gropes your breast gently, playing with the nipple, and then moves onto the other one.

He watches the way you extend your neck and moan, rubbing your crotches together and twitching every time the tip of his cock glides over your slick clit.

“Do you want me, Erwin?” you ask.

“Yes,” he breathes immediately.

“Do you want me more than your freedom?” you ask. At that, he pauses. He can’t reply because you won’t like the answer.

You nod and your eyes turn a little sad. You know.

Despite that, you reach beneath you. You position his dick and easily sit down on it. He moans at the tight heat.

Your hands move to expose his sturdy torso and the moment it’s bare, you lean down to kiss his collar bone.

Then, you raise your hips just to slam them back down. He grasps your waist to support you and when you clench your muscles around him, he throws his head back with a moan.

It’s easily one of the most erotic things you’ve ever seen. You watch his Adam’s apple move as he swallows and when he opens his eyes again to look at you, you see how crazy you’re driving him.

You grasp his neck and guide him to sit up. Then, you kiss him deeply, hips rolling. You moan into his mouth, take his breath.

“I love you,” you breathe in the heat of the moment. It’s true, but you’re not sure you should be saying it. Despite that, you do.

“Lily-”

You place your finger on his lips as you pull back. Eyes twinkling knowingly, you lean in to whisper. Into his ear, you breathe your real name.

“I like that more than Lily,” he admits. The next time you roll your hips, he moans your real name. The sound is music to your ears.

When his hand slides to rub your clit, you lose it after only a few more thrusts. Head thrown back, you call for Erwin while his mouth buries into your neck, kissing and nibbling.

When he makes a move to finally roll you over, you don’t protest. Never breaking the kiss, he strokes your cheek and pushes into your heat, grunting and moaning.

At times, he whispers your name with the kind of pining that makes your heart ache.

You want this life. Only, the sorrow that comes with it may be too much.

Erwin comes with a guttural groan. You feel him jolt inside you and his sweaty forehead presses against yours.

He catches his breath and when his eyes open, they’re clear and determined. He pulls out and cups your cheek.

“Listen,” he starts, and you know immediately what he’s about to say. “I want you by my side. This was not a fling, not to me.”

You swallow and turn thoughtful. You know. Yet as the passion dissolves, the fear comes creeping back. You cup his jaw and kiss him.

“I want that too, Erwin. But I’m not naïve enough to think having me will ever be enough for you. You will still wander out there looking for your answers.”

“I will. But you’re the person I want to come back to,” he states steadily. For a moment, you don’t know what to do.

Then, you sigh and gently push him over to his back. You lean your head on his chest and exhale deeply.

“Just sleep for tonight, Erwin.”

He nods, knowing he can’t rush you. You’ll come to a conclusion once you have enough room to think about it.

“It’s your decision.”

He makes no move to offer you money for the sex, which you immensely appreciate.

You wait until Erwin’s breath steadies and he falls asleep. You press your nose into his skin and breathe in the scent of cotton, musk and pine trees.

You want him.

But you’re too afraid. The thought of one day having him not return to you paralyses you with terror. The thought of having him provide you with everything just to perish and leaving you with nothing but a broken heart and a lost sense of agency, it battles against everything you stand for as a person.

You allow your fear to call the shots.

Erwin doesn’t stir as you wiggle out from his arms. You get dressed in the darkness and slip out of the room. The second the door closes after you, Erwin opens his eyes.

He doesn’t go after you, but his eyes fill with quiet longing for just a moment. Then, he closes his eyes and turns over, pushing his pining to the back of his head.

-

You regret it immediately.

The second you leave the base, it’s harder to breathe. You are frustrated with your own cowardice yet you can’t bring yourself to turn back.

After that day, you stop going to Erwin on Sundays.

-

The next weeks, you think about things a lot. You keep working and every Sunday, you bake something. Before your eyes, the ingredients get less and less yet you can’t make yourself go to Erwin and ask for more.

How could you face him after all this? You were the one who left that night and even though the pining in your chest refuses to subside, your pride and fear dictate your actions.

You manage to sell some of the baked goods you make. You’re close to being able to move out. You know it’s all thanks to Erwin but somehow, the fact you did it by working with your own two hands makes you feel better about it.

You hear the troops are preparing for a big mission. When you hear it’s something as grand as taking back Wall Maria, you immediately feel worried.

Four weeks after the night you shared, you find yourself going back to the base, only you’re denied entrance on the basis of a confidential mission being prepared there. Even Erwin’s letter doesn’t make them budge.

On a whim, you write a note and hand it to one of the soldiers. You ask them to give it to Erwin.

_Good luck. Be careful. I’ll be back after you return, we should talk._

You sign it with your real name.

-

You go see him off. Even if you mould into the endless crowds of onlookers, you still want to be there as he leaves. You look at him. Standing on top of the wall, he looks tall and important.

Not like the Erwin you got to know. Yet, the way he raises his hand and returns the adoring cheers of the crowds makes you smile a little.

He looks happy.

Would you really want him to give this side of him up for you?

As you look at him, yelling on top of the wall, you make up your mind.

You’re done running away. What comes, may come.

The next Sunday, you wake up early. Pouring your heart and soul into the honeycomb toffee cake, you make sure everything is perfect. You use the last of the sugar to make it extra sweet.

You heard the corps got back this morning. They suffered heavy losses but they recaptured Wall Maria.

You ignore the hushed whispers and murmurs, spreading rumours about the operation.

You have more important things on your mind. Such as finding Erwin, handing him his cake and saying congratulations.

Saying sorry for being so afraid. Saying you want to stay by his side, even if it means you’ll only be able to do so for a fleeting moment.

You want to know what it feels like to love Erwin Smith with all your heart.

The guard pauses when he sees your permission slip.

“You’re… Here to see Erwin Smith?” he asks. You nod eagerly, impatient to get through.

He pauses. Immediately, you know.

A weight settles on your chest and that night, you cry.

-

Erwin has a small, invite-only military funeral. You try to attend, but you’re stopped at the door. They ask what you were to him, and you can’t answer.

“Nothing,” you finally realise, and your eyes fill with quiet tears. “I was nothing.” And you chose that yourself. You could have picked different and maybe then...

Before they can reply, you turn to leave. You march off and only pause when you're a few blocks away. You look up to the sky.

You wonder if this would hurt less had you stayed that night.

-

You can see your breath as you step out of the bakery. You glance at the “closed”-sign on the door and close the door after yourself.

The morning is still early around you.

You double-check the door is closed, it wouldn’t be the first time someone breaks into your bakery and steals your food.

Then, you start walking. Wrapped in a cloak and carrying a basket, you don’t stop to admire the steady snowfall.

Erwin’s grave is small and unassuming, just one in the endless rows of others.

The pie is steaming in the cold air as you place it on the snow in front of his grave. As per usual, someone has removed the previous one.

Probably street kids.

You pause to look at the grave. It only has his name and nothing else. You hear almost everyone perished and only a small subsection of elite soldiers made it.

It feels like so long ago. Months have rolled by slowly.

You place a hand on the stone. You tell him the things you always do, because you don’t know what else to say.

“I’m sorry, Erwin. Someone stole your pie again.”

You smile sadly at yourself.

“I’m doing alright. My business is booming. Some of the girls visit at times, I’m in the talks of hiring one of them since I could use the extra hands.”

You sigh and grit your teeth a little. Suddenly, it’s a little harder to breathe.

This is not what you want him to know. There’s something more important. Something you never got the chance to tell him.

“I wanted to stay that night,” you whisper. And like always, he doesn’t reply. The silence is deafening.

“I wanted to stay but I didn’t. I was too afraid. I’m sorry, Erwin. I really lo-”

“Huh,” you hear a clear, cold voice. You turn abruptly, wipe the embarrassing tears from the corners of your eyes and when you see the short, stern-looking man, you pause.

Even you have heard enough tales of the short, ill-tempered saviour of humanity to tell this is Captain Levi of the Survey Corps.

His eyes slide from your heartbroken face to the pie sitting on the snow.

“So you’re the one who leaves the food once a week,” he quickly assesses. He crosses his arms. “A waste of good food, don’t you think?”

“It disappears every week anyway. Some street kids probably pick it up,” you point out.

Levi looks at you from head to toe. You must look rather ordinary and unassuming.

“I assume you’re the woman who brought him all that sweet stuff he fed the rest of us?”

At that, you pause. You frown.

“Fed the rest?”

Levi flicks his hand in annoyance.

“He hates sweet things. So, he’d bring it to the rest of the base to share. Breaking up the endless fights over the last slice was annoying.”

“What?” you ask, confused. But he asked you to bake it because he-

“Then why?” you ask Levi, suddenly desperate. You walk up to him and grasp the front of his cape. “Why did he order them?”

“Hell if I know,” Levi tuts and pulls himself loose. “I tried to ask once but couldn’t make head or tails of his answer. Something about a smile he likes.”

Oh, Erwin.

Your eyes soften and you step back. When Levi turns to leave, you don’t stop him.

“Sorry to interrupt your little moment. I’ll stay away from here on Sundays from now on,” he promises and walks off, concluding that whatever there was between you, he doesn’t want to know.

You stare at the gravestone for a long time. Then, you look up to the sky.

You wonder how the horizon looks this morning.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this on and off for quite a while now, and I finally managed to finish it ^^ I haven't written a standalone Erwin story before, so I was excited to try it out.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story and as always, comments are loved and appreciated!
> 
> Until next time!  
> Rika


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